Introducing “Song Of The Week”

For some reason I’ve always been a pretty healthy guy.  I can’t remember the last time I had the flu and this past year was the first time in a number of years that I’ve actually gotten a cold (I blame that solely on being locked up with 15 other wretched criminals in the Buffalo County Detention Center but that’s a story for another day).  I do get bronchitis twice a year but I think that due to the 1/2 a pack of cigarettes I smoke per day.  That being said I think it’s pretty impressive that I don’t get sick often especially the way I treat my body.  Between all the years of booze and drugs you’d think I’d look like a 51 year old hooker.

My estimation for my general well-being is because I listen to so much music.  I truly think that music has definate healing properties and that if more people would just listen to the type of music I like they’d all feel a lot better.  That, and if they’d just listen to the Buggles instead of shitty hard core metal they wouldn’t haul sub-machine guns to school and kill people.

Having been a DJ for over 15 years I’ve only recently quit playing gigs.  I kind of miss getting the opportunity to share music with other people.  If it wasn’t for the travel and equipment setup I’d still be doing it but these days I’m kind of relishing my free Saturday nights.  With that I’ve decided to start my Song Of The Week Club.  In the long run I’m pretty sure it’s illegal but only moderately so.  I would hope the scoundrels at the RIAA have better things to do than bust a poor blogger sharing 52 songs a year with the three other people that are reading this blog.

So with that I present to you Week 1′s selection.  I happened across this tune on Easter Sunday while watching some TV with my dad.  The only reason it really stuck in my head was because Wierd Al used it in a polka medley (can you believe someone actually keeps track of this shit) on one of his early albums.  That being said I think you’ll really enjoy the pick me up.

Click Me Bitch!

Nipples dipped in candle wax,
Howie Feltim

Lost Puppy Dog Syndrome

Ever since I can remember I’ve always been prone to what I refer to as the lost puppy dog syndrome.  A very simple concept that typically involves me finding a stray and trying to give it a home or solve its problem(s).  I’m sure Ajax (my new cat I picked up from the pound about a month ago) is pretty content with my infliction since she has been the most recent beneficiary.

I’m starting to wonder if someday I’ll find someone who also has the lost puppy dog syndrome that wants to take me in a fix all my problems.  It’s probably going to be a difficult find in Cowtown but can only keep my fingers crossed.  Location, location, location, combined with the fact that I’m not a very good sharer (if that’s ain’t a word too bad) is probably going to make this task even harder.  For the time being I’ll just keep my shoes tied in the event someone decides to sweep my off me feet.

Let’s just hope that two people with the lost puppy dog syndrome aren’t like to deep roller pigeons from Silence of the Lambs.  If that’s the case, Hannibal Lector may say we’re in for a long walk off a short pier.  Remember that when two deep roller pigeons breed they don’t know when to pull up on the stick; figuratively speaking that is.

I guess we’ll wait and find out.

On a lighter note enjoy this doozie…

“If I’d written the truth I knew for the past ten years, about 600 people-including me-would be rotting in prison cells from Rio to Seattle today. Absolute truth is a very rare and dangerous commodity in the context of professional journalism.”
-Hunter S. Thompson, Rolling Stone, February 15, 1973

For more gems from this crazy mo-fo visit http://www.alternativereel.com/includes/top-ten/display_review.php?id=00076 and if you want my opinion people should use the phrase “res ipsa loquitur” much more often.  For no other reason should I have become a lawyer.  That and I could of saved about $5,000 in the last 12 months on DUI charges.  Live and learn I suppose.

Disco balls,
Howie Feltim

dedication

Just a lonely Thursday night with nothing on during the 7:00 hour.  Instead of pulling up an old episode of Eli Stone on abc.com I decided to throw in dedication.  Straight from the box a “Blockbuster Exclusive” starring Billy Crudup, Mandy Moore and Tom Wilkinson.  I decided to rent it because I thought I might get to see a little skin from Billy but was sorely disappointed.  In addition to that his picture on the front of the DVD was much better than the cold light that the movie was shot in.  He almost looked old throughout the whole thing but he did play a very entertaining, neurotic and believable character.  I don’t know what my deal is with Mandy Moore but I have a hard time NOT watching something she’s been in.  Ever since a Walk to Remember I just kinda like the chick.  She didn’t do anything out of the ordinary in this flick but I thought it was fairly believable for the most part. 

All in all I’d give it a B.  Not 100% by any means but I’d even consider watching again.  I do love me a screwed up boy and Billy’s hit the jackpot.

Click here to view the aftermath…

Slaps and tickles,
Howie Feltim

Dots!

Not a long post but I think it’s still deserves some attention.  Why the hell does Tootsie Roll Industries continue to make rabbit turds that taste like lemon and lime.  I think everyone in the world hates those two flavors.  In fact I might just do a study at the local Cinema 8 and pick up all the left-over boxes of Dots left after the movies.  My guess would be that there is a large preponderance of yellow and green blobs of crap leftover. 

Here’s what I’m proposing.  For all of you people that send me stupid e-mail forwards like snowball fights, friends forever crap, or three page detailed forms about who I am and what my favorite brand of green beans are why don’t you start another mass e-mail to ban the inclusion of lemon and lime Dots.  For all I care just stick with strawberry, cherry and orange but if you need two replacement flavors let’s start with banana (strawberry bannana Laffy Taffy rocks so why couldn’t we make a little Jelly Belly concoction and mix some shit up).  My suggestion for flavor #2 would be kumquat.  I’ve never had one but it sounds dirty and looks like a little like a peach and that couldn’t be all bad.

So there you have it.  Junk mailers start your engines.  I get enough f’ing petitions to save the world, the whales or have Ty Pennington remodel some extra special family’s house so why can’t someone start a petition for me.  And for that matter why doesn’t Captain Tootsie Roll just pull the plug anyway; they’d sell more Dots anyway.

 And on a lighter note, now for my two favorite commercials:

à demain,
Howie Feltim

Happy f’ing New Year!

Hey,

No worries about not calling.  I figured you were just taking your vacation seriously.  That sucks about your phone.  It’s a good thing we backed up all your numbers before you left.  I’m a smart SOB if you know what I mean.

Tonight will quite a raucous time here at Howie Feltim manor.  I have group today at 5:00 that should last until 6:30.  Then I’ve pulled a few good pirated movies from the 80′s to bring in 2008 with a bang.  I’m currently charging both DeWalt drill batteries to begin the tedious process of grinding a planters warts from the heel of my left foot.  If you’re lucky I’ll do a before and after shot on Flickr.  There is a big AA dance in GI tonight but I don’t know if I can handle the hot-box like conditions and caffeine overdoses.  They also have a few speakers in town at the local AA hangout but I’m just not sure how ambitious I’m feeling.  At this point I’m seriously conteplating  a less than productive evening of wallowing in self pity, overdosing on 4 or 5 XXX packs of Scooby Snacks from Blockbuster and season 5 of the West Wing.  I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

As far as Dennis Leary goes I’ve uploaded a bit of fun for your listening pleasure.  The Asshole songs happens to be one of my all time favorites and could very well be played at my funeral (possibly due to the diabetic coma I’m chancing with the Scooby Snacks).  My old roommate and I used to perform it at the occasional open mic night.  Before I switched from the Sin Wagon to the Band Wagon I used to sing it at the bar once in a while.  Never a song I could find on karaoke thought.  Anywho, this is what you were looking for: http://www.punchintheclown.com/NoCureForCancer.zip

And with that I bid you farelywell and a Happy New Year.  I’m going to be starting karate and Zen medication  sometime in January so those are my resolutions.  I’m working on the ‘cool as a cucumber’ attitude so I stop yelling at stupid people.

Cue music…
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o’ auld lang syne

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We twa hae run about the braes,
and pou’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin’ auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin’ auld lang syne.

CHORUS
And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gies a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie-waught,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

P.S.  If you haven’t already watched The Simpon’s Movie don’t waste your time.  I would rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades than watch that piece of shit again.

Whores’ shoes and Penny Loafers,
Howie Feltim

Holidays with Dad

Holidays with my dad’s family are a lot like a company Christmas party. Here are a few likenesses I can think of off the top of my head:

• You never really want to go but it’s kind of expected
• There’s typically free food available but the quality is always up for debate
• Plastic silverware and paper plates are required
• If gifts are given they’re notoriously cheap, edible, need to be scratched off with a coin or you’ve already got one
• You always watch some video or sporting event that you could truly care less about
• The enjoyable part is seeing who gets the most drunk and does something completely inappropriate for the occasion

To add a little perspective. The picture below was taken when I went back for Thanksgiving this year. Not to land on the side of normalcy the fam decided to have Thanksgiving on Friday instead of Thursday and instead of eating turkey and stuffing in the Shire at an Aunt and Uncle Baggins’ it was decided to head to the local Vet’s club for “supper” and just order off the menu. What’s Thanksgiving without a heapin’ helping of Chicken Fried Steak and a double side of white gravy. Who could ever ask for more flour and cornstarch? Needless to say I made a hasty retreat but not before I had the pleasure of checking out Dad’s latest kill which by Christmas was proudly hanging in his “front room.”

It’s finally time for a blog

Screw Twitter I might be reaching the point of needing a blog. My first entry would go something like this:

Just got back from the movie…masturbation at its finest.

Had a good x-mas. Now I have to deal with my roommate bringing home a bunch of fuck-ups from Richard Young to party at the house at 11:30 PM when I have to be at work tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM. That combined with the non-stop snow we’ve been getting for the past six hours has really put me in the holiday spirit. Bah humbug!

I don’t know about twitter; without anything interesting in my life it just seems a little too middle-schooly to me. What am I going to put, “Not drinking tonight AGAIN; going to the movies by myself instead” or “Watching pirated season 2 of Carnivale eating my sorrows away with a bag of Oatmeal Scotchies” or my personal favorite for my holiday vacation would have been, “Awesome; just what I wanted for my grab bag gift, a variety pack of Planter’s Peanuts. Actually now that I’m good and revved up on sarcasm it might be kinda fun to start using Twitter. I could make it my personal goal to bring everybody else down during “The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year.“

As you can see my ever increasing disdain for the holidays has reached it’s yearly pinnacle and I feel like Augusten Burroughs in Dry. A lonely queen that really wants to drink Glenlivet by the bottle and snort coke from the tan, smooth stomach of an Italian boy with whom I’ve never met but would happily have unprotected sex with. But, due to rehab, I have resigned myself to overworking, overeating and generally being a snarly bitch to everyone around me.

Tis the season!

Love,
Howie Feltim

P.S. I will help you with your Twitter/blog problem but you might want to wait until my demeanor has improved.